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Tonight's insomnia is brought to you by several cups of coffee after 9 pm. Smart I know, yet I find myself unable to supress the need or want for it. I was feeling rather tired today and had a passing thought around 8:30 of trying to fall asleep. But I figured I wasn't going to actually fall asleep anytime soon anyway so what the hell, it couldn't hurt. As of late I haven't been able to fall asleep before at least 3am or so. The lack of sleep hasn't had very much of an effect on me besides getting up in the morning and looking run-down. I am currently unemployed through not fault of my own (this economy sucks severely) and while I know I should be on my "game" and "putting myself out there" I find myself lacking the energy and gumption to get out there and actually be a productive human being. Managing a doctors office was was educational and boring and I find sitting on my ass all day is much more enticing. While I'm usually not a lazy person having the couch hold me in an upright position most of the day serves as a reminder that I suck at life. You would think that would put a fire under my ass, but alas, no fire of any kind, not even a spark.


Instead of getting up and looking for a job I spend my time between babysitting a friends children, browsing the internet, worrying about men and my favorite of them all... trying to get through the fucking holidays without having some sort of mental breakdown! The last three years of my life have been a challenge to live at best, arduous at worst. The holidays for me have become nothing more than bittersweet memories of the past coupled with an intense depression that jumps on board for the ride. Where there were once squeals of delight on Christmas morning, I awaken to a deafening silence. That silence taunts me; laughs at me, pokes fun at my emptiness. Where I once had smiles and joy I now have tears and heartache. It's the cruelest of all jokes. I wonder if God looks upon me and laughs at his grand joke, or if He feels the anguish, bitterness, grief and suffering that I live with.

I blame this time of year for my lack of employment. I need someone or something to blame instead of myself. If I shoulder the blame for one more thing I just may lose it. I'm talking the kind of "losing it" that you hear about on the 6 o'clock news while you're minding your own business, making the perfect little dinner for the perfect little children and the perfect cheating husband that you lovingly resent.










*I will not "lose it". I am made of stronger stuff than that. I will not give M the satisfaction of seeing the pain he has knowingly caused.

**while actually written early this morning I did not get around to publishing it until now.