The Cat woman vs. The Bachelor

I've got a head full of stress and a heart full of pain.


He will move on and so will I. That's the problem...

I'm not sure if it hurts because he's letting go or because I am.

"I know, I know" he said when he saw my tears.

We never did the things we said we'd do.

What about the damn dog?

If it didn't hurt so much I'd laugh at all of those unfulfilled plans.

We were dreaming. When did we stop?

We both lose.

No one comes out unscathed. Not this time.

I will be the old lady with 15 cats that the little kids in the neighborhood are scared of and I pray to God that he doesn't stay the bachelor.

.....................................................................................

Catch 22 - Walking Away lyrics

Well hello
How are you
Won't you pull up a chair?
Won't you tell me your story
Because I really do care
About talking, talking, talking away
Here's to me to you to us
To everything 
I hope it never falls apart
We're talking, talking, talking away
Well you look so fine
And you seem so kind
And I've got to say
That I'm having a good time
Dancing, dancing, dancing away
Heres to me to you to us
To everything, hope it never falls apart
We're dancing, dancing dancing away
Can things get any better now?
If they can I cannot cannotsee how
But as the time goes by
You stop and sigh
You stop and sigh
And then you wonder why
I can't stop this feeling
As I'm walking away
And I could never understand
Half the things you'd say
As we're walking, walking, walking away
Goodbye to me to you to us
To everything
Because it fell apart as we're
Walking, walking, walking away
Things weren't better then
You (I) felt that you (I) had to pretend
But as the time goes by
You (we) stop and sigh
You (we) stop and sigh
And then you (we)wonder why



Lyrics | Catch 22 lyrics - Walking Away lyrics

YEN

I awoke this morning with a faint sense of familiarness surrounding me. Not in location, in emotion, in spirituality. As if what I had been dreaming was more than a dream, had I done that before? Hmm…

This is the dream.

I’m in the woods, fireflies are dancing around me. I hear the call of an owl, the songs of crickets and bullfrogs professing their love to mother earth. I turn when I hear a nightingale, and suddenly I feel warmth at my back (in this dream I am experiencing these feelings as well as watching, as you would a movie.) Behind me there is a raging fire. I hear the faintest sound of a drum, not the drum of a rock band a drum of the ancients, the men and women that roamed this land long before people knew it existed. The drum I hear is that of my people. Mixed with it are the harmonious melodies of life.

I am naked. My skin is kissed bronze my hair is long and gently dancing in the wind. The breeze carasses me while the fire warms. The drum gets louder, moving closer. Its music is that of a lover. Arousing, enchanting. I put my hands in the air and dance around the fire to the beat. My body starts moving as if it has danced this dance before. The rhythm seeps into me, takes me over, seduces and possesses yet frees me. A feeling of pure euphoria grasps me, makes me catch my breath. It is peace. Love perhaps. Acceptance and possession. I watch as my chest rises and falls heavily through exertion and arousal. Tiny pearls of sweat are rolling down my body and as they fall to the ground I can almost see them crackle before they evaporate. I don’t know this woman. She is raw and powerful in her sexuality. She is beautiful spiritually and physically. Her spirit shines and the faint smile on her lips suggests that you’ve never experienced pleasure as she has. She is pure and open wild and free.

The music receeds and takes with it a part of my soul. I am left standing before a fire feeling bereft but alive. Alive in a way that shakes me to my core. The nightingale's song can be heard once again. The night life is growing quiet, watching and waiting to see what I will do. I look towards the star filled sky for a moment. As a shooting star rips through a cloudless night I awaken.

The heart mends, right?!?!

In life there aren’t any “do-over’s.” Mistakes can’t be taken back, good things happening aren’t always a “sure thing” and a heart mends but it takes its sweet ass time.
I’ve met and loved, in my own way, a few good men. I haven’t and don’t love them in the way that they would have preferred. But I have loved them. Each one of them has brought something into my life that I wouldn’t have otherwise had. They each offered me a gift that I couldn’t give to myself. Showed me things that maybe I wouldn’t have figured out and maybe I would have, I can’t be certain either way. I don’t regret a moment of time spent with them in easy conversation, passionate and not so passionate embraces or painful memories. But not one of them has been able to give to me what I am searching for. I think I am broken beyond repair. This saddens me. It makes me wonder if I am going to end up one of those old maids with lots of cats that small children are scared of.

It has been one year since my heart left my chest. One year since I felt the kind of love that every little girl dreams of finding.

1 year, 19 days, 7 hours and 33 minutes since my heart shattered wholly. It started breaking long before that day but on February 03, 2009 at approximately 12:32 pm, I lost a part of me that I’m not sure will be given back. I was married for 7 years and when my ex husband and I separated and finally divorced I did not experience the kind of pain, longing and loss that I did when I broke up with the love of my life. And that’s the bitch of it right there…. I ended things.

***I ended it on his birthday, in Arby’s for fucks sake…Really?? Of all places I pick a fast food joint, on a day that should honor the man that he is and has become. Brilliant move Red…
That same night, I couldn’t face him or myself so I stayed at a friend’s house. I break up with a man, in a fast food joint, on his birthday and I’m not woman enough to go back to our home and sleep in the same house so I high tail it the fuck out of there and leave him alone with his pain. Granted, we were both hurting and had shed quite a few tears (I’d like to add that in the 2 years we were together, this was the first time I saw him cry) but he went home and waited. I didn’t. I couldn’t look at him when I walked in the door that night. He was sitting in his “comfy” chair with his head down. As I walked past him I mumbled something about getting clothes and staying at Michelle’s house for a few days. He said “ok.” Nothing more…. I cried the entire 45 minute drive. I can’t imagine what he did.

Two weeks later we were in his sister’s wedding. I was MOH and he was in the wedding party as well. That night we danced to Eric Clapton’s “You Look Wonderful Tonight” and while we were on the dance floor, everyone stopped dancing and watched us. We didn’t realize this fact until after the song the ended and we looked away from one another. His mother told me later that night that it still looked like love to her.His sister tells me all the time that she wishes she loved her husband the way that he and I loved each other. She wishes she had an ounce of what she sees in our eyes when we see or speak to each other….

I want that back. But not so badly that I risk letting him hurt me again the way he did. Three months ago he and I almost got back together. We were both hopeful and full of…something…..
I decided against us getting back together.


Here are the questions I pose…

How long does it take to heal from self inflicted heart break? How many men will I wish were him before I finally make a choice, one way or the other? Will someone come along that makes me feel more than I felt for him? Will my heart stop aching when I see him or when I look at something he gave to me? When do I get the fuck over a not-so-perfect-but-real-honest-to-goodness-love?









***Side note: He knew or had a feeling that things were ending between us and he asked that I just get it over with on that particular day. I told him it could wait and I didn’t want to do it on his birthday and he said “No just do it now.” I’m not that heartless… I don’t think…