The Cat woman vs. The Bachelor

I've got a head full of stress and a heart full of pain.


He will move on and so will I. That's the problem...

I'm not sure if it hurts because he's letting go or because I am.

"I know, I know" he said when he saw my tears.

We never did the things we said we'd do.

What about the damn dog?

If it didn't hurt so much I'd laugh at all of those unfulfilled plans.

We were dreaming. When did we stop?

We both lose.

No one comes out unscathed. Not this time.

I will be the old lady with 15 cats that the little kids in the neighborhood are scared of and I pray to God that he doesn't stay the bachelor.

.....................................................................................

Catch 22 - Walking Away lyrics

Well hello
How are you
Won't you pull up a chair?
Won't you tell me your story
Because I really do care
About talking, talking, talking away
Here's to me to you to us
To everything 
I hope it never falls apart
We're talking, talking, talking away
Well you look so fine
And you seem so kind
And I've got to say
That I'm having a good time
Dancing, dancing, dancing away
Heres to me to you to us
To everything, hope it never falls apart
We're dancing, dancing dancing away
Can things get any better now?
If they can I cannot cannotsee how
But as the time goes by
You stop and sigh
You stop and sigh
And then you wonder why
I can't stop this feeling
As I'm walking away
And I could never understand
Half the things you'd say
As we're walking, walking, walking away
Goodbye to me to you to us
To everything
Because it fell apart as we're
Walking, walking, walking away
Things weren't better then
You (I) felt that you (I) had to pretend
But as the time goes by
You (we) stop and sigh
You (we) stop and sigh
And then you (we)wonder why



Lyrics | Catch 22 lyrics - Walking Away lyrics

YEN

I awoke this morning with a faint sense of familiarness surrounding me. Not in location, in emotion, in spirituality. As if what I had been dreaming was more than a dream, had I done that before? Hmm…

This is the dream.

I’m in the woods, fireflies are dancing around me. I hear the call of an owl, the songs of crickets and bullfrogs professing their love to mother earth. I turn when I hear a nightingale, and suddenly I feel warmth at my back (in this dream I am experiencing these feelings as well as watching, as you would a movie.) Behind me there is a raging fire. I hear the faintest sound of a drum, not the drum of a rock band a drum of the ancients, the men and women that roamed this land long before people knew it existed. The drum I hear is that of my people. Mixed with it are the harmonious melodies of life.

I am naked. My skin is kissed bronze my hair is long and gently dancing in the wind. The breeze carasses me while the fire warms. The drum gets louder, moving closer. Its music is that of a lover. Arousing, enchanting. I put my hands in the air and dance around the fire to the beat. My body starts moving as if it has danced this dance before. The rhythm seeps into me, takes me over, seduces and possesses yet frees me. A feeling of pure euphoria grasps me, makes me catch my breath. It is peace. Love perhaps. Acceptance and possession. I watch as my chest rises and falls heavily through exertion and arousal. Tiny pearls of sweat are rolling down my body and as they fall to the ground I can almost see them crackle before they evaporate. I don’t know this woman. She is raw and powerful in her sexuality. She is beautiful spiritually and physically. Her spirit shines and the faint smile on her lips suggests that you’ve never experienced pleasure as she has. She is pure and open wild and free.

The music receeds and takes with it a part of my soul. I am left standing before a fire feeling bereft but alive. Alive in a way that shakes me to my core. The nightingale's song can be heard once again. The night life is growing quiet, watching and waiting to see what I will do. I look towards the star filled sky for a moment. As a shooting star rips through a cloudless night I awaken.

The heart mends, right?!?!

In life there aren’t any “do-over’s.” Mistakes can’t be taken back, good things happening aren’t always a “sure thing” and a heart mends but it takes its sweet ass time.
I’ve met and loved, in my own way, a few good men. I haven’t and don’t love them in the way that they would have preferred. But I have loved them. Each one of them has brought something into my life that I wouldn’t have otherwise had. They each offered me a gift that I couldn’t give to myself. Showed me things that maybe I wouldn’t have figured out and maybe I would have, I can’t be certain either way. I don’t regret a moment of time spent with them in easy conversation, passionate and not so passionate embraces or painful memories. But not one of them has been able to give to me what I am searching for. I think I am broken beyond repair. This saddens me. It makes me wonder if I am going to end up one of those old maids with lots of cats that small children are scared of.

It has been one year since my heart left my chest. One year since I felt the kind of love that every little girl dreams of finding.

1 year, 19 days, 7 hours and 33 minutes since my heart shattered wholly. It started breaking long before that day but on February 03, 2009 at approximately 12:32 pm, I lost a part of me that I’m not sure will be given back. I was married for 7 years and when my ex husband and I separated and finally divorced I did not experience the kind of pain, longing and loss that I did when I broke up with the love of my life. And that’s the bitch of it right there…. I ended things.

***I ended it on his birthday, in Arby’s for fucks sake…Really?? Of all places I pick a fast food joint, on a day that should honor the man that he is and has become. Brilliant move Red…
That same night, I couldn’t face him or myself so I stayed at a friend’s house. I break up with a man, in a fast food joint, on his birthday and I’m not woman enough to go back to our home and sleep in the same house so I high tail it the fuck out of there and leave him alone with his pain. Granted, we were both hurting and had shed quite a few tears (I’d like to add that in the 2 years we were together, this was the first time I saw him cry) but he went home and waited. I didn’t. I couldn’t look at him when I walked in the door that night. He was sitting in his “comfy” chair with his head down. As I walked past him I mumbled something about getting clothes and staying at Michelle’s house for a few days. He said “ok.” Nothing more…. I cried the entire 45 minute drive. I can’t imagine what he did.

Two weeks later we were in his sister’s wedding. I was MOH and he was in the wedding party as well. That night we danced to Eric Clapton’s “You Look Wonderful Tonight” and while we were on the dance floor, everyone stopped dancing and watched us. We didn’t realize this fact until after the song the ended and we looked away from one another. His mother told me later that night that it still looked like love to her.His sister tells me all the time that she wishes she loved her husband the way that he and I loved each other. She wishes she had an ounce of what she sees in our eyes when we see or speak to each other….

I want that back. But not so badly that I risk letting him hurt me again the way he did. Three months ago he and I almost got back together. We were both hopeful and full of…something…..
I decided against us getting back together.


Here are the questions I pose…

How long does it take to heal from self inflicted heart break? How many men will I wish were him before I finally make a choice, one way or the other? Will someone come along that makes me feel more than I felt for him? Will my heart stop aching when I see him or when I look at something he gave to me? When do I get the fuck over a not-so-perfect-but-real-honest-to-goodness-love?









***Side note: He knew or had a feeling that things were ending between us and he asked that I just get it over with on that particular day. I told him it could wait and I didn’t want to do it on his birthday and he said “No just do it now.” I’m not that heartless… I don’t think…

Instead of my ramblings...

Our Government at Work...

Let us begin....

On CNN News this afternoon there was a report of the government giving Muslim's in Iraq citizenship for joining OUR military. That's right folks, I said OUR military. The AMERICAN military.. Tell me if I have this correct... They hijack our planes in 2001, kill thousands of our fellow americans and now we are inviting them to join our military and learn our war tactics? WTF. This genius plan coming right after the Nov. 5th shootings in Fort Hood, Texas. The so called "friendly" fire (soldier on soldier) in Fort Hood came from none other than, you guessed it.. A Muslim by the name of Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan. He killed 12 of our men and women and wounded 31!!

In an artical that I found interesting it says that , " In 2007, Hasan urged that Muslims in the U.S. Army be allowed to claim conscientious objector status when it comes to fighting other Muslims in war. "It's getting harder and harder for Muslims in the service to morally justify being in a military that seems constantly engaged against fellow Muslims." he stated.

He also went on to add "Muslim soldiers should not serve in any capacity that renders them at risk to hurting/killing other believers unjustly."

To this I say... FUCK YOU! If you're a Muslim that is a citizen of this country and you don't want to defend us against other Muslims that are NOT citizens, then don't fucking join our military or you can just get the fuck out of our country!!!!


Obama is more worried about offending the sensibilities of a country that declared war on us than he is about the safety of this nations people or our government. When did being politically correct become more important than our children's future? I know, why don't we let men from a country that hates us become a part of our military so that they can learn everything that we do to protect and defend ourselves in times of crisis. That is a GRAND IDEA. Why doesn't the government just blow us up now and save other countries the hassle of doing it later? Bc that what is going to happen if things continue the way they are.

Or here is a better idea. WHY DON'T THE AMERICAN PEOPLE VOTE INTO OFFICE SOMEONE THAT ACTUALLY GIVES A GOOD GODDAMN ABOUT OUR COUNTRY AND ITS PEOPLE?

Brought to you by..

Tonight's insomnia is brought to you by several cups of coffee after 9 pm. Smart I know, yet I find myself unable to supress the need or want for it. I was feeling rather tired today and had a passing thought around 8:30 of trying to fall asleep. But I figured I wasn't going to actually fall asleep anytime soon anyway so what the hell, it couldn't hurt. As of late I haven't been able to fall asleep before at least 3am or so. The lack of sleep hasn't had very much of an effect on me besides getting up in the morning and looking run-down. I am currently unemployed through not fault of my own (this economy sucks severely) and while I know I should be on my "game" and "putting myself out there" I find myself lacking the energy and gumption to get out there and actually be a productive human being. Managing a doctors office was was educational and boring and I find sitting on my ass all day is much more enticing. While I'm usually not a lazy person having the couch hold me in an upright position most of the day serves as a reminder that I suck at life. You would think that would put a fire under my ass, but alas, no fire of any kind, not even a spark.


Instead of getting up and looking for a job I spend my time between babysitting a friends children, browsing the internet, worrying about men and my favorite of them all... trying to get through the fucking holidays without having some sort of mental breakdown! The last three years of my life have been a challenge to live at best, arduous at worst. The holidays for me have become nothing more than bittersweet memories of the past coupled with an intense depression that jumps on board for the ride. Where there were once squeals of delight on Christmas morning, I awaken to a deafening silence. That silence taunts me; laughs at me, pokes fun at my emptiness. Where I once had smiles and joy I now have tears and heartache. It's the cruelest of all jokes. I wonder if God looks upon me and laughs at his grand joke, or if He feels the anguish, bitterness, grief and suffering that I live with.

I blame this time of year for my lack of employment. I need someone or something to blame instead of myself. If I shoulder the blame for one more thing I just may lose it. I'm talking the kind of "losing it" that you hear about on the 6 o'clock news while you're minding your own business, making the perfect little dinner for the perfect little children and the perfect cheating husband that you lovingly resent.










*I will not "lose it". I am made of stronger stuff than that. I will not give M the satisfaction of seeing the pain he has knowingly caused.

**while actually written early this morning I did not get around to publishing it until now.

The First...

You inspire me to seek the words that have been so long forgotten. They come now with such an urgency that my mind and my pen cannot contain them a moment longer.

These words speak of friendship, of love lost to youthful naivety, of a trust so profound and deep that it has never again graced my life. These words heal as a truth inside of me that has long lain dormant begins to blossom and grow. They take root and give hope where there was doubt.

The fires that once burned brightly but were suffocated by life are now re-ignited. It is beauty and love. It is kindness and hope. It pulls forth a faith that is as simple and honest as it is pure. It is strength and mercy, courage and grace.

In your smile there is a truth that cannot be denied. In your eyes, a light that puts the moon and stars to shame. Your whisper of love can be heard through the softly swaying trees on an autumn day.

It is what was. What brings joy and an undeniable hope - a hope that is now unstoppable back into my life. The words that were once forgotten, that have come back with such clarity and love, simply put, is You.