In life there aren’t any “do-over’s.” Mistakes can’t be taken back, good things happening aren’t always a “sure thing” and a heart mends but it takes its sweet ass time.
I’ve met and loved, in my own way, a few good men. I haven’t and don’t love them in the way that they would have preferred. But I have loved them. Each one of them has brought something into my life that I wouldn’t have otherwise had. They each offered me a gift that I couldn’t give to myself. Showed me things that maybe I wouldn’t have figured out and maybe I would have, I can’t be certain either way. I don’t regret a moment of time spent with them in easy conversation, passionate and not so passionate embraces or painful memories. But not one of them has been able to give to me what I am searching for. I think I am broken beyond repair. This saddens me. It makes me wonder if I am going to end up one of those old maids with lots of cats that small children are scared of.
It has been one year since my heart left my chest. One year since I felt the kind of love that every little girl dreams of finding.
1 year, 19 days, 7 hours and 33 minutes since my heart shattered wholly. It started breaking long before that day but on February 03, 2009 at approximately 12:32 pm, I lost a part of me that I’m not sure will be given back. I was married for 7 years and when my ex husband and I separated and finally divorced I did not experience the kind of pain, longing and loss that I did when I broke up with the love of my life. And that’s the bitch of it right there…. I ended things.
***I ended it on his birthday, in Arby’s for fucks sake…Really?? Of all places I pick a fast food joint, on a day that should honor the man that he is and has become. Brilliant move Red…
That same night, I couldn’t face him or myself so I stayed at a friend’s house. I break up with a man, in a fast food joint, on his birthday and I’m not woman enough to go back to our home and sleep in the same house so I high tail it the fuck out of there and leave him alone with his pain. Granted, we were both hurting and had shed quite a few tears (I’d like to add that in the 2 years we were together, this was the first time I saw him cry) but he went home and waited. I didn’t. I couldn’t look at him when I walked in the door that night. He was sitting in his “comfy” chair with his head down. As I walked past him I mumbled something about getting clothes and staying at Michelle’s house for a few days. He said “ok.” Nothing more…. I cried the entire 45 minute drive. I can’t imagine what he did.
Two weeks later we were in his sister’s wedding. I was MOH and he was in the wedding party as well. That night we danced to Eric Clapton’s “You Look Wonderful Tonight” and while we were on the dance floor, everyone stopped dancing and watched us. We didn’t realize this fact until after the song the ended and we looked away from one another. His mother told me later that night that it still looked like love to her.His sister tells me all the time that she wishes she loved her husband the way that he and I loved each other. She wishes she had an ounce of what she sees in our eyes when we see or speak to each other….
I want that back. But not so badly that I risk letting him hurt me again the way he did. Three months ago he and I almost got back together. We were both hopeful and full of…something…..
I decided against us getting back together.
Here are the questions I pose…
How long does it take to heal from self inflicted heart break? How many men will I wish were him before I finally make a choice, one way or the other? Will someone come along that makes me feel more than I felt for him? Will my heart stop aching when I see him or when I look at something he gave to me? When do I get the fuck over a not-so-perfect-but-real-honest-to-goodness-love?
***Side note: He knew or had a feeling that things were ending between us and he asked that I just get it over with on that particular day. I told him it could wait and I didn’t want to do it on his birthday and he said “No just do it now.” I’m not that heartless… I don’t think…
